Looking Awkwardly Inward

Can Self-Reflection Set Us Free?

Well, the first debate is tonight, and one can’t help wondering if either candidate will show us something new. Maybe reveal something about his or her self that makes us look at them in a new way.

I feel like I know all of you a little better, after my last column received more comments and likes than any previous one. I was swamped all week with other work and preparations for a show Saturday in Pasadena. And the heat wave here has become grueling to say the least. But I’ll take a little time today to finish responding to your thoughts on that post.

Over the weekend I had a great conversations with a dear friend. We both mentioned several times the importance of self-reflection in these confusing times. So I thought I’d write a little bit about that and see what happens. Let’s get into it.

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Nobody likes to be wrong. None of us relishes the opportunity to find out that we’ve been holding an opinion that’s incorrect or incomplete. That’s not a realization any of us looks forward to.

It’s pretty well established that, if left to our own devices, we tend to believe ‘evidence’ that confirms our existing beliefs. While rejecting evidence that would force us to reconsider those beliefs. Our human tendency toward ‘confirmation bias’ is well known by now.

I wish they’d called it ‘Bias Confirmation’, because that seems to define it more clearly. But we know what it means.

Not seeking out objective facts. Interpreting information to support our existing beliefs. Only remembering details that uphold these beliefs. Ignoring information that challenges our beliefs. That sums it up pretty well. And that pretty much describes how we manage to keep ourselves divided into two giant political gangs.

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At the end of my last post I listed out my most-used news sources, and recommended a couple of media bias-checking websites. Doing that wasn’t my attempt to claim immunity to confirmation bias. It was an admission that I’m NOT immune. I don’t like being wrong anymore than the next guy. So I’m trying not to be wrong very often, by avoiding the confirmation-bias trap.

Why do we care if we are shown to be wrong about one thing or another? Why is that embarrassing?

I think it has to do with relationships and credibility.

We live in a consistency based society. When you interview for a job, you try to show how your talents and work-ethic will fit in with the company, and help it achieve its goals. If you get the job, and you like it, and want to keep it, you’ll spend your whole career trying to be the person they hired. Steady. Solid. Consistent.

This applies in most relationships. People want to know what to expect when they invite us over for dinner, or to join them in a project. Maintaining stable relationships limits how much and how often our beliefs and opinions can change.

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Tonight we’ll watch Kamala Harris square off with Donald Trump. Their first debate. In fact, the first time they’ve ever met. Both candidates have been changing their stated opinions on a handful of issues, in an attempt to appeal to the political center. And we’ll see each of them struggling to appear consistent in spite of that.

The moderators will ask them why they’ve each changed their views on these issues. And each will do their little candidate dance. My guess is that Trump will simply deny ever having held an opposing view, and that Harris will deflect like she did here when Dana Bash asked why she no longer wants to ban fracking.

In our politics, it’s long been a mark of shame to change an opinion. As if the concerns around which those opinions are formed, can themselves remain forever constant. We use the term, ‘flip-flopping’. Conjuring an image of a spineless inflatable creature whipping around in the breeze of public opinion. Like this guy.

When Barack Obama had to walk back his earlier opinion that marriage was specific to ‘a man and a woman’, he covered his tracks by saying that his views had been ‘evolving’. I expect Harris to adopt that tack. It’s a good solid technique, and in keeping with the change-positive ethos of The Left.

She might say that her ideas about energy and the border have evolved. But she’ll be quick to add that her values have never budged an inch.

When Trump is confronted about his ‘evolving’ views about abortion and IVF, he’ll most likely say that he’s always felt that way, and that he’s just been misquoted by the ‘Fake News’ outlets.

I hope I’m wrong. Imagine how refreshing it would be if one candidate or the other just said “Yeah, I was wrong about that. I’ve learned more, and reflected on the issue, so frankly, I’ve changed my opinion.”

In my experience, people really don’t freak out about somebody admitting they were wrong. Suppose that you and I disagree with one another about something, and I tell you that, upon reflection, I think you’re right after all. You’re more likely to hug me than punish me.

You’re not gonna say “Ah HA! I knew it!” You’re not gonna dance around pointing a finger at me, chanting “you were wronnng, you were wronnng! na nana na na, you were wronng!”

You’re much more likely to say “Cool. But you have some great points too”. You won’t think less of me. You’ll think more of me.

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“Upon Reflection”. That’s when we actually can change our minds about something. The longer I live, the more important it seems, to honestly examine what’s going on around us.

But properly reflecting on public issues requires a familiarity with one’s own mind. How it works. How it can enlighten us and fool us. And that means making time for unhurried and fearless self-reflection.

So what does it mean to self-reflect? The Oxford Dictionary has a good definition.

Serious thought about one’s own character, actions, and motives.

This sounds simple enough. And if you’re all alone in a cabin on an isolated lake, with no TV or internet or cell-phone, it might be simple. But in this day and age, we have every reason to not examine our own character, actions and motives very closely. Especially at the end of a long hot summer, with an election bearing down on us in 55 days.

Especially when everywhere we turn, people and bots and algorithms are poking and prodding us to stay on one side or the other.

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It can be damned uncomfortable to look within. Especially if we have some nagging doubts about ideas and beliefs that we must affirm or risk losing the sense of belonging and purpose that we get from our ideological tribes and social groups.

Even in our own families it’s difficult. We might have a long-standing dispute with a spouse or parent or child or sibling. We may have been so dug-in on our position for so long, that we don’t know how to back it off without losing face. No matter how much we might want to fix it, sometimes we just can’t bring ourselves to a compromise.

The most emotionally entwined relationships can be the trickiest of all.

Honest self-reflection may not fix all of our relationships, but without it, there’s little hope of progress. We’re awfully good at seeing how another person is screwing up their life, and relationships, but it’s almost impossible to see how WE are doing that same thing.

Wise people have always fought this battle with themselves. That’s why they warned us about noticing the speck in another’s eye, while missing the plank in our own.

It takes courage to look honestly and unsparingly at our own minds. So a lot of us just never really know what’s going on in there.

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I was in Alcoholics Anonymous for several years. The program is based on the ‘12 Steps’. There is one step in particular that most people resist. The fourth step. This one.

4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Yikes! Self-refection on steroids.

This step comes right after having admitted that you’re powerless over your addiction and in need of some serious help. People at that point in life, are already ashamed of themselves. The idea of digging even deeper into their closet of skeletons is horrifying.

It gets worse. Step #4, is followed by Step #5.

5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

What!? Admitted? Like, out loud?

Needless to say, I wasn’t enthusiastic about any of this.

I once overheard a bunch of Harley riders who belonged to a sober biker-gang talking about these steps. These were guys who’d been through bloody barfights and drunken highspeed dismounts on gravel roads. But it was Step #4 and it’s follow-up, that scared the hell out of them.

Fortunately, I met an unusually wise man named Ed, who became my mentor. His was a more practical and less fearful approach. He told me this:

’Dave, you have to remember that an inventory doesn’t only count what’s NOT on the shelves, but also what IS on the shelves. It isn’t just what we’ve done wrong, but also what we’ve managed to do right. It’s important that we know our weaknesses. But we also need to be in touch with our strengths. Because we’ll need those strengths to overcome our weaknesses.’

When going through my long list of fuck-ups, Ed was always quick to point out the turmoil I’d felt while making terrible decisions and hurting people. That inner conflict, he assured me, was my underdeveloped character trying to assert itself. Real a-holes aren’t conflicted.

Also, he was pretty sure that I took myself too seriously.

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Self-reflection isn’t to be confused with self-flagellation. And even if we do locate some weak-spots in the fabric of our character, so what? Everybody screws up. Everybody gets it wrong. Everybody.

Back in those years, when I was fighting with my then-wife over petty issues, she’d sometimes say this: “You just have to be right! Don’t you?” Of course, what she meant was that I was less interested in actually being right, than I was in being perceived as right. As if my credibility was riding on every disagreement.

Ed had forty years more life experience than I did. But as I catch up to him, I realize that ‘needing to be right’, is not all bad. At least not in the sense of having a strong desire to be correct. I DO have that strong desire. So I really need to hold accurate views of the world and its problems. To do that, I have to get past my own biases, and see myself and others with as much perspective as possible.

That’s the best chance I have of actually being right. (somewhere my ex-wife is rolling her eyes)

When I’m self-reflecting - doing that searching fearless inventory - I often do run across the empty spots on the shelf. There are gaps in my character alright. But as long as I know about them, and work around them, I can avoid being turned into a jerk by them.

And also, being known as somebody who can admit a mistake with good humor, and move on … is liberating. Or so I’ve been told.

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I’ve known hundreds of performing singer-songwriter-guitarists in my life. All kinds of different people, male and female. Among those who’ve become really good at what they do, I see two basic types of performers.

There are those who practice and drill and put a maximum effort into never making a mistake onstage.

And there are those who aren’t terribly concerned about the occasional flubbed lyric or missed chord. I’m one of those. Sometimes when I mess up onstage, I’ll make a joke about it. And afterward one of my perfectionist friends will say “Dave, don’t do that! Nobody even knew you made a mistake until you told them”.

Then, a few minutes later, somebody else will say “That was hilarious when you screwed up on that one song. Most entertaining mistake I ever saw.”

In that world, I know who I am. I’ve self-reflected as much as I need to for that purpose. I know that I’m good at what I do, and that I’m never going to rehearse myself to perfection. I’ve done that inventory. I’ve accepted my weaknesses, and learned how my strengths compensate. That’s who I am. It’s not a crisis, unless I make it into one.

I don’t know why I can’t become as self-deprecating about my public opinions, as I am about my musical skills. At least it seems possible in theory.

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Remember when Donald Trump was caught overstating the size of his inauguration-crowd, way back in 2017? On the first day of his presidency he was seen as pumping up his figures for ego-reasons. Imagine if he’d laughed and said, “Oh you know me. I exaggerate everything! I have no idea how many people were out there on the mall. Looked like a million people to me!”

His haters would have hated him a little bit less, and his fans would have just laughed and kept being fans.

Imagine if, when VP Harris was cornered about her changed position on fracking, she just smiled and told Dana Bash, “Yep, that’s what I get for trying to be an expert on fracking before I really understood it. Got that wrong. Oh well.”

I know that I would like all politicians a helluva lot more if they’d self-reflect, be honest with themselves, and learn to present themselves as imperfect human beings trying to do the best they can.

A little humility? A touch of self-deprecation? How could that not improve our national civic life?

Thanks for reading. And thanks for all of the great comments last week. Looking forward to your thoughts on self-refection. And for anybody looking for a good time Saturday in Pasadena CA, scroll down for the flyer and RSVP!

Stay cool -Dave